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How Can I Date Without Being Desperate?

Dear Joy,

I’m a young Christian woman looking to find the right guy, but I’m worried about being desperate and settling. How can I date without desperation?



Dear Lucy,

I know that feeling of being desperate.

We think that if we don’t act soon we are going to miss out or not get what we want. The problem is when we feel desperate we compromise. The only thing worse than not having a boyfriend or spouse is having one that isn’t right for us. We begin to compromise the things that we know are important in a relationship, just so we can be in a relationship. That compromise can be the difference between a great relationship and a horrible one. Therefore, we must never act out of desperation but of trust.

God knows you have a need for companionship and intimacy for He designed marriage for that very reason. We must trust God to provide that person for you. The only way you can trust someone with something as important as picking your spouse, is you must know that person intimately.

The first step in finding a boyfriend is to make God the most important relationship in your life. Get to know Him as you study His word and you will see that God is trustworthy and wants the best for your life. He will begin to show you how to make decisions in your life based on what He wants rather than what you want. This will save you from making poor choices when it comes to choosing a boyfriend/spouse.

Prior to becoming a Christian, I wanted nothing more than to have a boyfriend and get married. I dated several guys who were not right for me and I felt unhappy and unloved in those relationships. I was tired of being in wrong relationships. When I became a Christian, I made a vow to God not to date anyone for 2 years so that I could get to know as much as I could about God. He was the main relationship I was interested in. At the end of my 2-year vow, I met my husband. We’ve been married for 34 years and he is truly a man picked by God for me.

God says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.

To delight in God is to love Him and allow Him and His word to guide and direct your life. As you get to know God’s word you will see the type of man God wants for you and you will be willing to wait on God to provide this person rather than compromise or settle for anything less.

Jesus said the same thing in Matthew 6:33 “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

While you are seeking and looking to know more about God, God will put this person in your life. I met my husband on a blind date from a couple I had led to the Lord. You never know how it will happen but you can trust God with the desire to make it happen. Next to our relationship with God, a spouse is the most important relationship we will have and God doesn’t want just anyone for you. He wants the right one for you.

The 2nd step is to determine who not to date. I know you think this will limit your options but good guys are out there. Set your standards before you meet the person. You must view every person you date as a prospective husband. Therefore, you should never date anyone who doesn’t value what you value or basically what God values. You are not looking for perfection but this person must love and value God’s word and you must see that reflected in the way he lives his life. So most likely you will meet this person either through a mutual friend who knows God is important to you or you will meet him by doing the same things you are doing such as attending church, bible studies etc.

So trust God with your desire for a boyfriend. Get to know Him and what He wants for your life through His Word through bible studies, church, etc. and do not date anyone who doesn’t love and value God and His word. If you do these things you will see what great things He will do in your life. Waiting is one of the toughest things to do, but it is worth the wait.



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Joy Basham

Joy Basham has an extensive background in Christian studies and teaching. After attending Florida Christian College for 2 years, over the next 30 years she taught ladies Bible studies for 9 years, taught college girls for almost 2 years, and lead her church’s ladies ministry for a year. She was actively involved in her husband’s teaching of married couples for 20 years. She has also taught workshops, been the lead speaker at a conference on raising children, and taught MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) for 2 years. Over the years she has, with her husband of 33 years, counseled many couples on marital conflicts, and given premarital counseling to couples preparing for marriage. She has enjoyed raising 3 children, now grown, and the oldest has been married for 7 years.

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